Have you ever loved someone so much it hurts?

Answer 1

Most people who fall in love also feel a sense of hurt. This is natural and biological.

The Human Condition

Every single human being on the globe has a psychological and physiological condition called "The Human Condition". Aptly named because it affects every single human.

It can be argued that a similar condition also affects apes, dolphins and penguins, who are also capable of feeling love. Though they do not have the exact same condition as we humans, because one of the rules of the condition is that you need the ability to tell the difference between right and wrong, which most animals don't have.

What is love?

First of all, you have to ask yourself "what is love?". Believe it or not, there is absolutely no such thing as a 100% clear, official definition of what love actually is. We can only assume what we think love is, because everybody is different, everybody feels differently and everybody has their own opinions of when they think they are in love. For example, die-hard female fans of a sexy male rock star will claim they are in love with their idol despite never meeting him. Some people are capable of feeling love over long distances (long-distance relationships), while others believe you can only love someone you have a physical connection with. In different cultures there are also varying ideas of what love is.

You believe what you believe because there, as stated above, is absolutely no official definition of love.

Psychological pain

The psychological pain of love is caused by our attachments. Psychologically, love hurts because we choose to make it hurt, unconsciously. Humans allow themselves to develop attachments to others, letting the other person through what we refer to as our "brick wall" or our "personal bubble".

When we form an attachment to someone, due to the Human Condition, mentioned above, we assume that person will be with us for a very long time, much like "mates for life". Penguins for example are a "mates for life" species, once they choose their partner, they are together until either one dies.

Humans are supposed to be a mates for life species. But over the course of time, mankind evolved to an extent (including the discovery of deception and lying) that we seem to think we're not a mates for life species any more.

Because we no longer consider ourselves as a mates for life species, when we get attached to somebody and vice versa, once the relationship ends we feel a great deal of emotional and mental pain, because we naturally never expected the relationship to end.

Humans have such complex brains that we have also developed the ability to over-think things. We make assumptions about the intentions of other people and we attribute character flaws to our transgressors. Rather than focusing on the positive love we have experienced, we instead focus on the negativity of that love and the pain it causes ("He doesn't love me" / "He has a crush on that girl from school not me" / "She doesn't even know my name" / etc).

Since we can't control past events, such as seeing a male crush visit a cinema with one of his female friends, we try to explain them to ourselves ("he likes her, not me"), which can be emotionally damaging. Instead, to avoid the emotional and mental pains of love, we should focus on the positives.

That explains the psychological pain caused by love.

Physiological pain

When we are in love our brains release a special hormone called Oxytocin, nicknamed the "love hormone". These hormones make us fall deeply for the person we feel our love for, it also makes us feel happy and "wanted" or "protected". You can get a similar effect by eating chocolate, because chemical reactions between the chocolate and your body force the brain to release a tiny spurt of Oxytocin.

The more we experience the release of Oxytocin during a relationship, the more attached we become to our partner, placing us in a near or complete euphoric state.

Oxytocin is somewhat like a drug, when an addict is forced suddenly to come off a drug, their bodies experience a "comedown" effect of mass negativity and depression. A similar thing happens to us when a relationship suddenly ends, causing the release of Oxytocin hormones to rapidly drop within our bodies, leading to us feeling physical and depressive pain. This also contributes to psychological pain, not just physiological pain.

Our bodies also begin to behave strangely when we feel love. Most notably in the chest and tummy areas. Scientists still can't tell exactly what causes this, but it is believed to be linked to the Oxytocin hormones.

When we feel love, our chest muscles tighten, our heartbeats change rhythm and you may feel "butterflies" in your tummy. We become addicted to these feelings, so when a relationship suddenly ends, we again experience a crash due to the lack of these feelings that we looked forward to every day. Instead of butterflies and chest tightening, we experience what is described as gut wrenching and heartbreak.

Conclusion

Love hurts. Whether it hurts in a good way or in a bad way depends on you, your attitudes towards love and your personal definition of love.

Rather than focusing on the negative sides of a crush or broken relationship, which is natural due to our Oxytocin comedown, try to focus on the positive sides of it, the positive experiences and what you have learnt from it.

You're not alone.

Answer 2

Absolutely ! Many years ago, I met a woman at a place where I was working. From the first time I laid eyes on her it was as if everyone else in the room just vanished. ALL I could see was her, and I fell in love with her from that first moment. The problem was she's a married woman. While I knew there was absolutely no chance we could ever be together, even now after more than 20 years, I STILL think of her every day !