When does a woman stop obsessing about her husbands' affair and thoughts of him with the other woman?

Answer 1

Answer

Probably never. That being said if you love him, you can and should forgive him, but you will never ever forget that he played around and had an affair on you. You will always suspect him of having affairs, and maybe the best thing you could do for peace of mind if no children are involved is to move on in life and leave this guy to suffer in his own miseries. He cheated on you. That's a no no and there's no way he can ever un-do what he has done to your heart and beliefs in him as your husband and as a man.

That's not necessarily true. A wife can stop obsessing over her husband's affair and the other woman; it just takes a little effort, time, and an honest look at her marriage. The first thing you need to consider is if your husband is remorseful for his affair. If he truly is, his behavior, words and actions will reflect this. He will be willing to talk to you about the affair. He will give full disclosure as to how it happened and why. He will be accountable. He will have worked hard to restore your faith and trust in him by being both accountable and honest. He won't blame you, but will take full responsibility. He will be willing to do whatever it takes to strengthen the marriage and heal your hurts. He will repeatedly verbally admit that it was a terrible mistake, he regrets it, and he'll spend the rest of his life making it up to you. This is not groveling, you need to understand - this is just simply and truthfully stating facts. It will come up in everyday conversations. When you've heard it enough, you will believe it.

For example:

Wife: " I feel so bad for our friend Jane. Her husband died, and she thinks she's over it, but then she moves and finds all that stuff....I can't imagine how painful that would be." Husband: "I know. But it's not unlike what happened to you when/if we moved." Wife: "But I didn't lose a husband." Husband: "No, but you lost a dream, how we used to be. It's the same thing, you feel like a death has happened in your marriage." Wife: "That's true, your affair did feel like a death..."

The husband uses empathy to show his wife that he understands how much his affair hurt her, and in turn, she appreciates his understanding, bridging a gap between the spouses.

If he does these things, then you realize the marriage has a good chance of surviving. Once you have that in place, you can look at the issue of the other woman, with his help. It's not necessary to put her down, but you need to build yourself up. Ask your husband to help you keep in mind all the good things about yourself. Concentrate on your strengths, your victories, the good things about your life. The other woman is not a factor in your life, and obsessing about her only keep you stuck, and allows her to steal more of your life away. Don't give anyone that much power over you, much less a homewrecker.

When thoughts of the "details" enter your mind, make it habit to envision a red flashing STOP sign in your mind and mentally switch gears asap to thinking about yourself and all those good things. Some women use the rubber band trick - they snap it on their wrist whenever they think of the other woman or the affair. But what seems to be most effective is replacing the past with the present. When a memory from the past comes back to you, you have to make the effort to think about something else. Find something pleasant that makes you happy, and store it in your mental bank. Bring it out when you are feeling obsessive. It's a mental exercise, but once it becomes habit, you're all set. There's only one trick to this deal - you have to be truly willing to stop obsessing. If your interest is still there, it won't work. And, if you think about it, what does that say about a person when she just wants to continually hurt herself by thinking of these things?

If the husband is not remorseful, you should think seriously about leaving. I don't advocate divorce, but an affair is incredibly painful and it takes two loving spouses to heal from it. A wife can't do it on her own in a healthy manner. The option of leaving is there, with seeing a therapist to regain your self-confidence to be on your own.