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Q: Should I have a baby after 35?
A: No, 35 children is enough.
Q: What is the most common pregnancy craving?
A: For men to be the ones who get pregnant instead.
Q: When is the best time to wean the baby from nursing?
A: When you see teeth marks.
Q: I'm 2 months pregnant now. When will my baby move?
A: With any luck, right after she/he finishes high school.
Q: Why do pregnant women have extremely long toenails?
A: Their husbands can't be bothered. They're busy - with calling up all their relatives to help with the housework.
Q: Why do pregnant women love to say they're expecting?
A: Because it sounds like there's more than one outcome.
"Yeah, we're expecting a baby.
Or it could be a velociraptor."
Q: What is the most reliable method to determine a baby's sex?
A: Childbirth.
Q: I'm modest. Once I start to deliver, who will see me in that delicate position?
A: Authorized hospital personnel only - doctors, nurses, orderlies, photographers, florists, cleaning crews, journalists, etc.
A married couple went to the hospital together to have their baby delivered. Upon their arrival, the doctor said he had invented a new machine that would transfer a portion of the mother's labor pain to the father. He asked if they were willing to try it out. They were both very much in favor of it.
The doctor set the knob to 10 percent for starters, explaining that even 10 percent was probably more pain than the father had ever experienced before.
But as the labor progressed, the husband felt fine, so he asked the doctor to go ahead and bump it up a notch. The doctor then adjusted the machine to 20 percent pain transfer.
The husband was still feeling fine. The doctor checked the husband's blood pressure and pulse and was amazed at how well he was doing. At this, they decided to try for 50 percent. The husband continued to feel quite well.
Since it was obviously helping out his wife considerably, he encouraged the doctor to transfer ALL the pain to him. The wife delivered a healthy baby with virtually no pain. She and her husband were ecstatic.
When they got home, the mailman was dead on their porch.
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