Have been seeing a married man for four years he phones and texts every day and get together three or four times a week but married man always returns home to his wife please help?

Answer 1

Here are some more tips on avoiding being trapped into becoming a married man's "other woman": 1. YOU HAVE NO OBLIGATION TO HELP THE MARRIED MAN. HE HAS HIS WIFE TO DO SO! Some married men give more nuanced reasons to get involved with you than saying that their wife is horrible. In fact, many smart women would feel alerted if the man was so negative about his wife. The man can say that his ideas are misunderstood at work, that he is suffering from racism in your country, that you are his best advice. He might not hide his family and not say anything negative about them.

You will assume that, since he does not talk much about his family, his family is not playing that big of a role in his life... You might assume that he is no longer in a relationship with his wife if he projects himself as available to start a relationship with you. You might assume that, looking so honest and kind, he just cannot be a cheater. Beware! Later on, he will tell you that you assumed it all yourself while he never tried to hide that he actually had and was committed to his family. 2. THE MARRIED MAN WILL NOT HELP YOU! "I will guide you through your career!" is what many married men tell young and inexperienced women. If he really wants to guide or mentor you through your career, he can do it in the office, but not in the bar and definitely not in his bed.

Some men are even more straightforward: "I will give you sexual experience!" You do not need experience in sex! Like a child in whose eyes everything is new and exciting, you will give him joy and freshness of your discovery of sex. But you will lose that joy and freshness. You will end up feeling that your body was used and wasted. Eventually, you might have a hard time feeling the same joy and freshness with a man ready to be devoted to you. 3. HIS SINCERE EXPRESSIONS OF LOVE DO NOT MEAN COMMITMENT. "You are my SOULMATE" is a particularly dangerous expression, which many married men use. He might tell you other things, such as: "Our relationship is LIKE husband and wife", "I will prove you that my love is real", "You are the sweetest one that I have", "I will feel like a beheaded animal without you", "I will protect you throughout your life", "I am afraid that you will disappear from me". Although these expressions sound like he loves you a lot, none of them means that he is ready to commit to you. He will later say that these words were sincere and they are sincere: - He feels very good with you accepting your role as his mistress; - You are very sweet to him indeed accepting your role and not asking him for more; - He is afraid that you will realize the miserable reality of your role and abandon him, which will make him feel miserable; - You are replacing his wife at some moments but you are only "like a wife", you are not his wife; - He wants to keep in touch with you to feel that he is a good guy, who is "protecting" you. 4. YOUR ROLES AND THE CONTRACT OF UNEQUALITY SET IN THE BEGINNING DOES NOT CHANGE. You are working on your relationship, but he will not do the same. You might assume that you are working on your relationship by not asking him to divorce his wife, by taking up the work on arranging your meetings, by keeping the relationship secret and protecting him from the public, etc. You are making so much effort every day that you assume that he will realize it and appreciate it. And, since he said that he loved you, he would do his job without being reminded. You will hope that he will put you in a better open relationship. Nope.

The contract between the two of you is set in the beginning. For him, you knowingly accepted the role of a mistress. He will appreciate your kindness and happily think and even tell you: "Great! I found in you total understanding of everything I need! I can tell you everything I could not tell my wife and even not my mother!" But if you show that you are no longer happy, he will blame you for breaking the contract. He will feel that the dream understanding, which existed between the two of you and which was the basis for your relationship, is no longer there. He will then tell you that you can leave him if you are unhappy but he will not change your role. 5. DON'T THINK THAT YOU WILL NOT NEED COMMITMENT FROM HIM. You might think that you just want to spend some time with him, when he can. That you will never ask for a commitment. Beware! Jealousy is a normal part of love.

The reason why you are not jealous in the beginning is that you might first assume that his relationship with his wife is not that strong. He will indeed project it that way.

But as time goes, you will end up realizing that his relationship with his wife is much stronger than his relationship with you. Jealousy will come in and you will feel tortured. 6. IT IS TOTALLY OK TO ASK HIM QUESTIONS, FROM THE VERY BEGINNING.

The best source of information about him is himself. Ask him straightforwardly, don't be shy. You might here shocking answers... I know that you will not listen to my advice about him. There is so much advice everywhere that you should never accept to become "the other woman" but so many women still do. His explanation of your relationship from him might be a more convincing discouragement against your involvement with him. Do not hesitate to ask questions as straightforward as: - Do you have any problems with your wife? What kind of problems? - Why do you want to have a relationship with me? - Do you have a sexual relationship with your wife? - Will your wife know about your relationship with me? Will she be OK? - Will you introduce me to your children? To your parents? If so, what will you tell them I am? If it is not a good idea, why?

- Will you come to be with me if I am sick?

- Can we buy a house together? - Will you have children with me? How will they grow up? Will you be present? Note that none of these questions is a straightforward request to marry you but the answers or the absence thereof will hopefully be eye-opening enough.

7. BY ALL MEANS, AVOID SELF-HARMING ACTIONS

Good luck! In any case, most of us only learn from our own mistakes. Live what you have to live through.

But one thing you have to avoid by all means is doing harm to yourself. Avoid smoking, drinking, etc. Avoid things, which will destroy your health and make you weaker. You will need strength to get out of this relationship.

The trap is that at some moments of desperation, you might get his assurance that he will be there if you are sick and really need his help. Consciously or sub-consciously, you might become willing to fall sick so that he has to come to take care of you. Beware! He might not come. Even if he comes, he will come for a short while. Both of you will realize that you voluntarily destroyed your health. He will say that you did it to make him your slave. He will refuse to take that role. But your health problems will stay there forever.