Is this friendship or something else?

Answer 1

Background:

I've known this man for a couple of years now. I'm 29 and he's 33. We were the top writers at an internet forum and wrote together about many kinds of topics, so we got to know each other's values, ideas and hobbies quite well. For the whole time I've had a serious crush on him. His thoughts have really impressed me in a healthy way.

Seven months ago he divorced and after that he has contacted me more often. We live in different cities so we don't meet often. One night he wrote: "Good night [my name]. You are often in my mind."

On February 2014 he asked me to go to a café to drink coffee with him when I was in town. We talked a lot about our values, feelings, feminism, politics, communication skills and relationships between men and women. I introduced relationship anarchy for him and he found it really inspiring. He asked me if I had had any romances after my divorce, and why I wasn't attracted to my previous date. Afterwards he told me that our conversation was like constant fireworks.

Four months went and I didn't hear from him, except he told me he'd come to visit me in summer. I tried to avoid contacting him, because he always seems so busy with his job and children and activism and hobbies. He is just so inspiring that I would really like to spend more time with him, but I don't want to seem pushy so I just end up not contacting him at all.

So two weeks ago we met because I went on a gig that he had arranged (and where he had his first solo live show). He seemed happy to see me. I told him that I'm moving quite near him next month, and he said that it's cool because then we can hang out more often. We discussed about our common hobbies for a while.

Two days later I sent him some pictures he had asked about. This was the first time I contacted him after his divorce. He liked the pictures and asked me if I'm still in the city, and told me that it would be nice to meet in unhurried circumstances. He told me that he has a lot to ask and reflect. I said yes, and then he suggested that we could go on a walk on the seaside. I was shocked; this seemed like a thing that people do with their romantic partners and not with just friends. But since I'm still secretly into him, I said yes.

We walked and sat there for six hours, eating strawberries in the sun and talking about sexuality, relationship anarchism, equal rights, education system, empathy, consciousness skills and what not. He bought me a coffee from a beach ćafe and told a lot about very deep stuff that was going on inside of him. About the darkness and some quite vulnerable emotional stuff. He had burned his favourite CDs for me and I was really flattered because of that, since here in Finland it's very rare that someone would burn CDs for anyone.

He told me that he always knew that I've got the best attitude, and that it's really rare; he doesn't know other people with whom he would be able to talk so openly...except the one woman with whom he has developed an intime friendship this spring. I felt pain in my heard when I heard this, even though I have had intime stuff too. Well, he told some stuff about this intime friendship he's having. About the woman and her previous relationships, about how he manages to deal with relationship anarchism with new people. He asked me what do I think is the biggest challenge in relationship anarchism, and asked about my friends and told me he wants me to introduce them to him.

I told him that after our walk I was going to visit guy X who I never met before (just wrote with him on IRC), and that we were going to cook and drink redwine with him. He instantly asked questions about this guy, and started to joke weirdly. It felt a little awkward.

Then I met him at park festivals two days after that. I was there with my friend and he came there alone. First when he saw and hugged me he asked how my weekend went with that guy X. I told him that it went well, and that I was there at his place the whole weekend. He teased me about drinking wine from morning to evening and I asked him if that was the way his weekend went. I was annoyed about his way of teasing me about alcohol, since he knows that I do not drink often and that I don't respect excessive drinking. He seemed quite distant and uninterested to join our company.

SITUATION:

I think I'm in troubles. I feel like falling in love with him and I think he just wants friendship. (Guys usually see me as "one of the guys" and I hang out quite often with guys). We have so much in common and our connection feels cosy and inspiring, there's no boring moments and I feel thirsty for his company and touch. I feel at ease when I'm with him. I would really want to hang out more often and get deeper, but I'm afraid that he doesn't really mean it when he says that he wants to hang out more often, since he rarely contacts me and seems to be excited about so many other people too. He's extremely charismatic and charmy, and knows how to make people feel good. But if he knew about my feelings then he probably wouldn't act so seductively, as he would realize that it only makes my situation worse.

QUESTIONS:

Should I just forget about him. Should I tell him about my feelings. What do you think that he wants from me. Why is he acting like that. Does he just want to check if he's able to make me fall into him, or does he even realize that the things he does really make me fall for him. Would you act that way if you weren't interested in the woman outside of friendzone?