Why would you miss your narcissist?

Answer 1

This is how I answered the question: "Why do Narcissists consume your thoughts after they dump you?". Perhaps some of this will apply here too:

N's use brainwashing techniques and if they are successful, we leave the relationship different than when we entered it. Our thinking was distorted by the N. Our feelings, manipulated. They have mastered the art of human psychology in the most twisted sense. They know how to get what they want, when they want it. There are universal truths about all of us, and they exploit those for their purposes. I recall thinking that most of what my N said was almost verbatim what men say to women in Soap Operas. He was perfect - at least before he could no longer suppress his True Self.

They are also keenly aware of their victims 'individual' psychological and emotional weaknesses - unlike anyone else has ever been in our lives. They assess this early on to gain the control they need. I never thought I could be fooled again (was earlier in my life and learned a ton). I am considered very intelligent and highly perceptive yet I was still taken in. In hindsight, I saw all the signs/red flags, I simply chose to ignore them because I was utterly enthralled. The fantasy they 'create' is exceedingly difficult to forget and get over (in the beginning when they were at their best). No one can measure up to that, because it wasn't real. We are left with passionate, intense memories and most of us fell deeply in love. Once you fall, it's tough to get over, even when the mind knows better. It runs very deep.

I am convinced, the only way out of being consumed is to rigorously train your mind because even though it is our heart 'and' mind that's been wounded, only the mind is able to free us of consuming thoughts. It helps to become more aware. Every time your mind goes there (and mine often does too!!), try replacing those thoughts with new ones - bad memories with the N to keep yourself strong, remind yourself of your value and worth, pray or meditate, distract yourself by calling a friend - reading a book - seeing a movie, envision your life the way you desire it and with the kind of person you want and need, or literally imagine pushing those thoughts away. These are just a few ideas that work for me. With time and practice, you can strengthen your mind and have more control over it - enjoying the serenity you have tragically lost. Someone told me once, "The mind is like a horse - you either train it or let it run". This is a battle in the mind. It 'can' be overcome - thus freeing yourself forever from the grip of the N.

My N was incredibly handsome and a good, good kisser. I miss that. But I don't miss his ugly know-it-all smirks that ruined his good looks or the ugly accusations & mistrust that came out of his mouth. The bad outweighed the good. No kiss is worth that much misery.