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When do adopted children learn that they were adopted?

Updated: 8/18/2019
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13y ago

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Children should be told about their adoption even before they are able to verbally communicate. Conversations about adoption should be positive, natural, and factual and communicated in a way that recognizes the child developmental stage. What is said at 2 is going to be much different than what is shared at 16. As an adoptive parent and an adoption specialist, I recall feeding my son in his high chair and practicing what I would say when he was older. This helped me feel comfortable with the conversation while I figured out what and how I would tell him. He is now 3 and is able to tell me that he was in Sarah's tummy, that Sarah loved him, that Sarah was with him at the hospital when he was born. He also asks me to tell him about when Daddy and I first saw him. That has become his "birth story" and he loves hearing it. His questions are small right now and someday they will be much more complicated. But we have laid the groundwork for our conversations to be honest and open. I hope by talking about it openly, he won't worry about hurting our feelings or wondering where we stand or if this is an open topic of conversation.

If you wait to tell your child at that "right" age, at each stage you might find reasons why now isn't the right time. And then, before you know it, your child is 8...9...10. So, you will be nervous, you might sit your child down on the couch with a serious look on your face, your child will think something is wrong, he or she will be worried. This definitely sets a different tone and sends a message like, "Adoption is not a good thing" or "We don't really want to talk about it." Children pick up on these cues from their parents and as they get older they won't feel comfortable talking about it. It's not that they won't think about it...they will. You just won't be privy to those thoughts and feelings. That can be an emotionally difficult thing for an adoptee.

So, long explanation but short answer: Tell your child as early as possible!!!

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