What should you do if you cheated on your husband with an old co-worker and your husband found out and you're confused on if you should stay or go?

Answer 1

Since you are the one that cheated it may not be your choice to stay or go. The fact you mentioned in your post makes me feel you have to take a good hard look at yourself and realize, in some ways you are being a little selfish here. You don't just have an affair and decide within yourself if you'll stay with your husband or not. You've broken a vow of honesty and trust in your marriage and more importantly, you've hurt your husband. All of us can make mistakes, so hopefully you can figure out what is wrong with your marriage and sit down and discuss the problems with him. It doesn't sound as if you are convinced you should stay in your marriage, but it also doesn't sound to me like you've really put any effort into making your marriage work. Before you step out that door realize that your husband has feelings and did you ever think that he wasn't enticed to have an extra marital affair a few times! Most of us have entertained this idea at least once while married, but it's "look, don't touch" if you're smart. I would be lying if I said that it's not wonderful if a man looks at me and thinks I'm attractive, but it's not worth a quick "squeek between the sheets" or being stupid enough to think the grass is always greener on the other side. My husband is a wonderful man, and there are times I'd like to light a fire under his butt and yes, there are times we have an arguement, but I love him dearly and no matter what my feelings are (and believe me, I can day-dream too) would I risk losing him. We work hard at our marriage and we've been married 33 years. I am smart enough to know that a few days, few months, or even a few years of an affair is going to make me self-loathing and also that if I were to end up with that person I would be just trading off one set of problems for another. The excitement of romance and being loved like you were before marriage never lasts forever because reality always has to set in. Sometimes women are in peri-menopause or menopause and feel like they have lost out on so much of their youth. We take youth for granted (part of nature) and suddenly, there we are, older and wondering if we still have what it takes. When hormones have their ups and downs our brains can do stupid things. Everyone wants to retain the fountain of youth, and it takes a bit of time to center oneself as to what it is she really wants out of life. Peri-menopause can start in the mid 30s (periods have not stopped, but hormones are getting the body ready for menopause) and menopause can start at 38 up. It depends if someone has a trauma to the body, illness later in life such as chicken pox can set it off as well, or even a serious surgery and then menopause can start. Normally it starts in the late 40s. Men also go through Male Menopause and it's a fact! It's particularly harder for women to feel like they are getting older, because society (male oriented and now even some women have hit the band wagon on beauty) have started this rediculous trend. Instead of seeing past the face/body into the soul (where the real character and strength of that person is) we are inundated with ads on TV for staying thin, plastic surgery, etc., to look more youthful as if we owe it to everyone around us. A smart women sees it's a money-making racket and realizes that this change in her body is a part of life, and nope, you aren't getting older, but smarter and steeped like fine wine! In Canada (British Columbia) where I live they took a poll from younger men, and many of them are tired of the factory-made beautiful people that are out there and are starting to go for older women (not that they aren't beautiful, but they're wiser, more independent and love life, not just themselves). A friend of mine who is divorced is seeing a lovely woman 9 years older than himself and is happy as can be. I'm 63 years old. I do work-out and I'm trim, have a semi funky short hairstyle, will dress in some younger clothes (no mini skirts, short-shorts, etc.) but just up-to-date styles. Yes, I do want to look my best because it makes me feel better. I have friends of all ages and love the energy from my younger friends (and they do have some good ideas on life) and also the wisdom and friendship of my older friends to bounce me back down to earth so I don't get too silly! LOL I love life, and I use up every minute I can while I still have my health. I went through menopause and yes, one day I would think I was pretty darn ugly and fat, and the next day thought I wasn't all that bad. Instead of rolling around in the fact I was getting older, I went out, got myself a new hairstyle, starting walking for exercise, starting swimming, got busy with friends, got a job, and also volunteer. I'm too busy to keep looking in the mirror to see if I have a new wrinkle. I am fortunate to have a good gene pool, but the few wrinkles I do have I wear like a badge of honor because hell, I earned every one of those suckers! It shows that I have character, been there, done that, and I have the right to speak from my past experiences. Plastic surgery? I don't think so! I do look after my skin, but, that's it and if you don't want to look at my face then don't! LOL By the time we hit 50 we should be well-rounded and know more about life (if we were looking and listening) and feel comfortable and at peace with this age bracket. I find I'm much more self confident, realize I don't have to take unwanted crap from anyone, and I have many choices in my life. I am lucky with a wonderful husband, living in a modest rancher house, beautiful gardens, pets, not to mention my vast array of friends of all ages and races. I actually feel free and not chained to my peers as much. I am my own best friend. Sit down alone and make a list of what you like about your husband and what you don't. Then make a list of what you like about yourself and what you don't and then make a list of the good/bad things about this coworker you have had the affair with. Put the list away for at least a week, then drag it out and look at it. You'll have your answer. Many times when people have raised their children and the children leave home, there are more divorces that happen at this time in a couple's lives than any other time because spouses are busy with work, raising children, racing around, and the next thing the kids are gone, and there both of you are blinking like a deer in front of a car's headlights wondering who the heck this person is you're staring at. Then comes the problem of whether the marriage is worth staying in or it's time to leave. This is a really important time in couple's lives because they can really mess it up and have a lot of regrets. I think you should apologize to your husband for this affair and explain what you were feeling at the time and why you felt the need to have an affair. I don't even think you really love this old coworker, but he was there at the right time. It all boils down to the fact you want to be appreciated and looked at as an attractive woman and that you are needed. This is the wrong way to do it. Start talking with your husband and perhaps it may entertain your thoughts to ask him how he feels about your marriage. If you both think there is a glimmer of hope for the marriage (it takes work) then go for it, but if you feel you have fallen out of love (this can happen) then be honest and split-up, but remember, seldom do you have the opportunity to go back to that person. Also remember, just as you have had someone else in your life, your husband is quite capable of dating other women. Good luck Marcy