If someone has symptoms of narcissism how can you be absolutely sure they are a narcissist?

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I'm new to this idea that my "friend" may have narcissism. I too, wonder if he is a narcissist. I've looked at many websites on the subject. When I find the behaviors listed to be a narcissist he only fits about 3. They say 5 is the answer for narcissism. However, I've copied excerpts from many different websites that list specific behaviors and have compiled quite a long list that pertains to him. Such as:
Values then devalues a significant other. Looks for ways to keep his narcissist supply around. Expects others to do things for him he should do. Lazy. Rage if confronted. Absolutely no empathy for the pain they put you through. Secretive. Lies quite a bit. Manipulative. Never admit they are wrong in a relationship. Latch on to people who are in some way dependent. Has one person who can do no wrong and will not stand any critism for that person. Lacks the ability to recognise the abstract idea.
If this is not a narcissist then what is he?
I just was dumped by a boyfriend of 10 months. I am divorced over a year and met him four months after my divorce. I have two daughters, one with autism. This guy overwhelmed me with promises and love. After two months, he told me he wanted to spend the rest of his life with me and my special needs daughter. I came to love his two boys. Then after taking a "family" vacation with all the kids two weeks ago, he called me and said he had never loved me. Over the course of the relationship I found him to be a ridiculously jealous, ego-centric, hypochrondriac. Still there were moments of sweetness, especially as he was kind to my daughters. Interestingly enough, he preferred my autistic daughter because she worshipped him ( her dad is not good with her). Sometimes he would fly into rages over my talking to a waiter, etc, even my finding a movie star handsome, saying I didn't make him feel special. Then he would say I was abusing him. He always had to be right, considered himself smarter than everyone else. And I think tried to fake empathy, but it never seemed to have depth. He is a very responsible father but mostly courts his kids worship. He has a hard time disciplining them and talking to them personally because he wants them to see him as perfect. They are like little prototypes of him, still he is a good caregiver to them. Is he a narcissist? The way he left me was so sudden and detached. He does not wish to speak to me, and I expended so much energy trying to be so good to him. It was the promise to love my daugther that really hooked me. Do you think he knew that, or liked the idea of himself as being wonderful enough to love her? He has an enormous ego, is a fastidious dresser, and exercises constantly. I have since found out that he has a history of women he has suddenly left since his wife left him 8 years ago. I spoke to her and she said she felt he had no feelings for her, just like the "services" she provided. Still he wouldn't have left her, but was chronically unhappy with her. He told me he never fell in love with her, the same line he used with me and all the other women he has hurt. I was very vulnerable when I met him. MY Ex was emotionally abusive. Does he sound like a narcissist? Oh, yes, he also never wanted me to talk and say "I love you" during sex. Sex was great, but kind of mechanical. He would mostly keep his eyes shut and if I talked at all, he said I took him out of the moment. Kind of like he was doing it with himself. He told me in the past, he has had sexual dysfunction problems but it was because the women was untrustworthy. Anyway, when I called him on his coldness about the breakup, he said I was abusing him. He is just done with me, like a switch turned off. What do you think?
I know this is not the answer to your question but maybe it will help.  
This is a great question. What if s/he demonstrates the symptoms of this frustratingly hopeless personality affliction, but is only APPEARING to be narcissistic due to a different, possibly more profound or more TREATABLE issue?
I grappled with that very question. My gf had an array of conflicting issues that, I rationalized, could produce an overwhelmingly self-centered, unempathic, etc. outward attitude. She had menopausal mood swings, depression, alcoholism, ongoing financial crises and troubling family issues. I was hopeful that her attitude toward me COULD conceivably improve as she struggled with her demons. As I reasoned: she had sought hormones & anti-depressant therapy; she had begun to search for sobriety, she was proactive toward her finances and her family circumstances were evolving. With great hope, I noticed that the medications had a generally positive impact on some of her overt nastiness. But, still, despite her great proclamations of love & bliss, her big plans & promises, she continued to treat her dog better than she treated me!
Even if it is possible that her "improvable" life issues continued to actively cause her negative attitude, normal people are usually sensitive to their bad treatment of others. Despite some improvement, she, on the other hand, continued to rely on excuses, still never took responsibility for her unpredictable rages, remained amazingly defensive to perceived criticism, all the while extending 'apologies' that were phrased like "I am sorry that you got so upset."
It may be possible that certain intolerable human behaviors are the result of different combinations of stimuli. If so, it would also be possible that if the right combination of offending stimuli could be neutralized or removed, the intolerable behavior might be improved.
But, really, what's the difference? If s/he acts like a narcissist, you've noticed because of how terrible, confused and hurt you've been feeling. Worry about YOU! His/her problems, not matter how profound, are their problems to solve; they are not yours.
If you are being treated badly, by a narcissist, a person acting like a narcissist or any other, for your own good, you:
  • must end the relationship
  • accept that you have taken a difficult fist step
  • allow yourself to take a lot of time to grieve
  • give yourself time to come to terms with what you've been through
  • seek counseling
  • avoid rebounding into a relationship until you feel better
  • go to this wiki.answer link; read about abuse: http://wiki.answers.com/Q/FAQ/1880
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