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Before you read this, you should know that my only qualification to answer your question is that I have gone through it. I am a 50 year old recovering sex addict that was involved with pornography and internet sex. I would never have been able to recover from it without the love of my wife, and the love of God, who has provided forgiveness for my actions, and healing for my wife. If you feel I'm suitably qualifed to answer, read on.

First, you have to ask yourself if you actually want to save your marriage.

If you do, the only way to rebuild trust that has been broken is to be completely honest and truthful. If you lie about anything else, she will know and you will get caught. You're already on shaky ground; your wife will know that she can't trust you about anything. and that's the best way to make sure your marriage goes south for good. You've cheated on her and broken the trust relationship you should have had with her... she deserves the truth now.

If she's willing to give you another chance (and that's a big if), then your only chance is to come clean about everything (I mean everything - names, number of times, how long it lasted, where, etc...) The only exceptions with which I would advise caution, are details for which she is asking that would not serve in healing your relationship (the type of acts you committed with the other woman/women for example). Such details could drive a wedge between you, especially if she were to feel that she could not compete with the other woman/women.

In such instances, you need to be careful about how you say this, but you need to try and explain that you feel that these details would not help matters between the two of you, that she's already hurt, and that such details could only serve to hurt her more. Explain that you understand why she would want to know "everything", but that you would rather not cause her more pain than you already have.

If she insists, as she is likely to, you can say something like: "listen, let's take 24 hours to think about it, and if at that time you still feel it is absolutely necessary for you to know these details, then I will reveal them to you." Then do it, and answer all her questions.

Remember that you're the one who has hurt her, and that you now have to take your lumps. You provided for yourself at her expense when you cheated - now you have to provide for her. She will be angry, and will be expressive about it. You will have to suffer through it - not like a martyr (because you're not), but like a man whose taking responsibility for his own actions and is willing to humble himself for the woman to whom he has pledged his love and his life, and has failed to live up to that commitment. If you can't do that, you probably shouldn't be in a marriage relationship.

Even with all of that, your marriage may not get through this, but that's the only chance.

I need to add that there is a spiritual side to your marriage that needs to be addressed as well. Marriage is an institution that was created by God. He made it that "a man and woman will leave their mother and father and will be joined as one". Faith in God, and repentance for your sin against your wife and against God will help. If you are repentant, God has alread forgiven you. If you follow what He asks of you - put Him first, your wife second, your family after her, then everything else, your marriage is in a lot better shape to last. Remember that an affair is the result of following the desires of your flesh - you're only doing it to please yourself. In the eternity of God, your flesh will last but a heartbeat. If you lead your life trying to please yourself, you will have nothing when this life is over. Seek out a good church, and follow God. He is faithful in providing all that you need - including the forgiveness that you desire, and the healing that your wife needs.

A good resource for you to read is a book called Every Man's Marriage, by Stephen Arterburn and Fred Stoeker.

Good luck and may God look over you and your marriage.

Richard.

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11y ago
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13y ago

yes he will.

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13y ago

It always does. Yes

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Q: If a married man lied to his wife about how many times he cheated on her would the truth eventually come out one day that he lied about it and his wife finds out?
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