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Find a local place that takes women in who have abusive partners. Do it without warning or otherwise alerting him. Do not use your cell phone (or any other resource he can track, like a home computer/private email) to contact them. Your safe place will offer you counseling and other help for your situation. Your safety, and that of your children, is more important than anything else. If he is at all violent, being with a family member, endangers them, too. Generally, people like this abuse others in secret and depend on keeping it that way. Also, others prefer not to become involved or take sides, so friends can be a dead end. My outside "team" got me away safely and if you follow their advice, you will be able to escape, too.

I think you just did. Now tell someone your close to or your family. If your with someone abusive you need to get away. I firmly believe NO ONE has the right to treat anyone else badly. They hate themselves and need to project it onto everyone else.

I believe you will have more reason to be afraid if you don't tell someone else.

The more people who are aware of your situation the better, as when you decide that you can take no more, you will always have people who understand and will give you shelter and or support.

Do not be ashamed to speak up. It is not your fault that your partner is abusive. Put the shame on him by letting others know!

The abuser mistreats only his closest - spouse, children, or (much more rarely) colleagues, friends, and neighbours. To the rest of the world, he appears to be a composed, rational, and functioning person. Abusers are very adept at casting a veil of secrecy - often with the active aid of their victims - over their dysfunction and misbehavior.

Read about the abuser's tactics and concealment and manipulation here: Telling Them Apart Facilitating Narcissism This is why the abuser's offending behavior comes as a shock even to his closest, nearest, and dearest.

In the October 2003 issue of the Journal of General Internal Medicine, Dr. Christina Nicolaidis of the Oregon Health and Science University in Portland, studied 30 women between the ages of 17 and 54, all survivors of attempted homicide by their intimate partners.

Half of them (14) confessed to have been "completely surprised" by the attack. They did not realize how violent their partner can be and the extent of risk they were continuously exposed to. Yet, all of them were the victims of previous episodes of abuse, including the physical sort. They could easily have predicted that an attempt to end the relationship would result in an attack on body and property.

"If I had talked to some of these women before the attack, I would have counseled them about the domestic violence, but I would not have necessarily felt that their lives were in danger," Nicolaidis told Reuters - "Now I am more careful to warn any woman who has experienced intimate partner violence about the risk to her life, especially around the time that the relationship is ending".

Secrecy is a major weapon in the abuser's arsenal. Many batterers maintain a double life and keep it a well-guarded secret. Others show one face - benign, even altruistic - to an admiring world and another - ominous and aggressive - at home. All abusers insist on keeping the abuse confidential, safe from prying eyes and ears.

The victims collaborate in this cruel game through cognitive dissonance and traumatic bonding. They rationalize the abuser's behavior, attributing it to incompatibility, mental health problems, temporary setbacks or circumstances, a bad relationship, or substance abuse. Many victims feel guilty. They have been convinced by the offender that they are to blame for his misconduct ("you see what you made me do!", "you constantly provoke me!").

Others re-label the abuse and attribute it to the batterer's character idiosyncrasies. It is explained away as the sad outcome of a unique upbringing, childhood abuse, or passing events. Abusive incidents are recast as rarities, an abnormality, few and far between, not as bad as they appear to be, understandable outbursts, justified temper tantrums, childish manifestations, a tolerable price to pay for an otherwise wonderful relationship.

When is a woman's life at risk?

Nicolaidis Reuters: "Classic risk factors for an attempted homicide by an intimate partner include escalating episodes or severity of violence, threats with or use of weapons, alcohol or drug use, and violence toward children."

Yet, this list leaves out ambient abuse - the stealth, subtle, underground currents of maltreatment that sometimes go unnoticed even by the victims themselves. Until it is too late.

This little realization just happpened this week...!

My abuser is constantly doing things for all 'his' friends. I feel that they only see what he wants them to see.

A couple of times when I desperately needed someone to talk to, I tried to talk to one of the women (that I felt close to) but was more or less cut off from discussing anything negative about him. He's always helping them.

Brand new to this page, so please overlook protocol errors... I'm 1 month out of a mind-bending 4yr "relationship" with a highly intelligent stealth abuser. One of the biggest reality disconnects I felt much of the time was observing how incredibly kind, funny, self-effacing, charming, "would do anything for you"and flirtatious he was with EVERYONE but me (of course, true to form, he was that way with me in the beginning (ie:buying out the Pharmacy when I had the flu, little surprise delights). Shortly after we became sexually intimate his Jekyll and Hyde personalities emerged.

His underlings at work (all highly educated and respectable folk) would go to the ends of the earth for him. He has exactly one close friend (and his wife) who think he is God. They even made him trustee of their affairs, should something happen to them. I've watched him make total strangers eat out of his hand in a minute or less, and he's completely charmed his housekeeper and her young daughter.

It seems NO ONE but me knows what this stealth abuser is really about, except perhaps his ex girlfriends (who he never gave me a scrap of information about-RED FLAG!!) Even my therapist was fooled by this guy (I found out after I was in therapy with her that her husband knew my ex and thought he was wonderful), which needless to say, screwed up my therapy --I had to walk away. These characters scrutinize everything for opportunity, size people up from minute one, and are already 2-3 moves ahead of you at the get-go.

Other traits: his doo-doo didn't stink (told me so, straight faced, several times), manipulative, lying, arbitrary, capricious, silent treatment, called me "Missy", would change plans we "suposedly" made together on a dime without explanation. Would cut a trip short (even long distance ones) if he felt the least bit threatened, would stonewall/ red herring me if I asked him a direct question.

Not long ago I discovered I had been "stealth abused" by both my parents (mother continuously sick/needy, father present--but absent) growing up; being a kid with no other experience to compare to, all these years I believed my childhood was pretty normal. Enotionally, it was far from. In view of what I've learned about myself, I'm now not surprised to I find myself where I am (I'm getting help).

Very true. This is called "abuse by proxy". It has two aspects:

I. Abuse is often condoned by the abuser's social milieu - friends, family, colleagues. It is part of the dominant, patriarchal, misogynistic culture in which the abuser grows and to which he conforms.

II. Abusers operate through others, using them as proxies.

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8y ago
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6y ago

She doesn't know her boyfriend is abusing her? It can be mentally or physically. I would tell her that he is abusive to her, and it only can get worse. I was abused when I was 9 months pregnant with the guy's child. Tell her he's NOT going to change no matter what he says, and these days a lot of women and children are dying from the hands of their loved one. Trust me, if she is really getting abused then she needs to get out. If he is bad then call the police he needs to be stopped or someone will get hurt.

Without being afraid of whom? Of your girlfriend or of her boyfriend? Victims of abuse often collaborate with their abuser in denying the reality of abuse. This is because abuse sometimes fulfills deepset emotional needs or because she is dependent on him financially, socially, or legally. There is no effective way to pierce this veil of denial.

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Q: How do you tell someone that your partner is abusive and not be afraid?
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